Abuse, Domestic Violence, Gaslighting

2012 | Abuse & where my head was at.

In this post I am going to skip ahead quite a bit only because I had the opportunity to think back on what I have been through and it boils down to this. At first I had no idea anyone was doing anything to me to make me sick. I was warned yes but I did not believe nor accept it. Once I found the bucket of poison in the basement it became time to believe especially because some of the symptoms I had been experiencing were listed on the MDFS form for the poison I found. At this point I was still having a hard time accepting it and wanted to blame everything I could for my constant stomach problems. All I knew was I was sick constantly, I was getting sicker, and a few nights I honestly did not think I was going to wake up in the morning. I became so weak I could not venture into other parts of the house such as the basement or upstairs. I was in so much pain I could barely make it up the stairs but one at a time. This went on for over a year and a half to two years. I was completely dependent on Ed for everything I couldn't do anything for myself. I had to fight to come back from it and it has taken me years to get as strong as I am and I have a long way to go before I would be anything close to as strong as I was.

Some of the pain I was enduring on a daily basis came from my left shoulder and neck. It seems I sustained permanent life long injuries from my ex-husband Ed Malik's physical attacks on me. I have two slipped disks at C-4 and C-5 one of them is 1mm away from my spinal column and that hurt for over a year and a half because I did not get proper medical treatment as a result of my ex-husband lieing about me to who ever he could including my doctors. He was telling people I was drug sick and that I was an addict and that was why I was so nervous and thin. People made comments to me that went right over my head. Doctors ignored my claims of pain in my shoulder and back and as a result I went through what I amount to torture. I was tortured in that house on a daily basis for months. I was also in a serious amount of pain due to muscle knots in my back and shoulders. What I went through was pure painful torture.

During this time I had sought medical attention and had been undergoing testing to figure out why I was sick all the time. Ed was acting like the concerned husband and took me to all appointments including physical therapy which I had to go to twice a week for four and a half months to regain use of my left arm. I suffered from a depressed scapula and complete atrophy. I had to endure a small bowl study, colonoscopy, and a barium xray to try and figure out why I was so sick. I had to go to a neurologist because of my limping, and due to the concern that I might of had MS. I do not have MS but I do have Systemic Lupus however, that was not why I became so sick every time I sat down to eat a meal.

It was a joke to say that my chair at dinner should be replaced with the toilet because I could not even get through my meal without running to the bathroom. Most of the time I was focused in on how terrible I felt and wondering why I felt the way I did. Then there were a few times that I knew I had been poisoned with something different like cyanide. I only figured it out because Ed's mom told me how homemade cyanide she said she knew how to get rid of people they don't like in that family then slapped my leg and laughed and said but we like you. Ed's mother hated me from the day she met me and for what reason I really have not a clue. The point is, I had been taught my my father what it would be like to be poisoned with arsenic, cyanide, he went over these things with me on the telephone. Once I wanted to be taken to the hospital which I requested without blaming anyone for anything. Ed went outside and popped off his gun to scare me which worked.

The next time I ended up in the hospital and I told the doctor. The doctor did not believe me and didn't do anything including taking blood for a toxicology report. That was days before the June 2012 incident .  Up until the June 2012 incident I had been trying to cope with what happened with the needle incident and I wasn't dealing with the situation. I was petrified of being alone, of possibly losing my girls, of not being believed or listened to that I just did not deal with the situation. I lived upstairs in my daughter Madalynn's old bedroom I had a security camera on me while I slept and I installed a lock on the inside of the door which I locked while I slept. I had a cellphone which I kept on my physical person while I slept. I talked to Ed in a calm voice and we usually only spoke about the kids. It was awkward uncomfortable and not the best idea I ever had. The main reason being while he was there he was breaking and taking things. I had to contend with things like hair developer in the rinse cycle of the washer. I was also still getting stomach attacks from time to time and I was pretty sure he was still poisoning me. I had already gone to the police and I knew I was under doctors care if anything happened to me it would fall right on his shoulders.

Most of the time as this was going on I didn't think.  I made a mistake in staying with him for so long after the divorce. In doing so I cost myself a lot of heartache and wasted time. I knew what had been done to me, I knew it was probably still happening at least on occasion I knew I was sick, I knew I had the girls to take care of and I had no clue how I was going to do that. I also knew that Ed had made friends with lots of officials and that he had positioned himself quite nicely within the community. I had some very real concerns as I realized how sinister he really is. I found out when he stopped paying his court ordered support and then had the police come with CPS and had my daughters illegally taken from my care.

The facts are the facts is all I can say at this point. Ed has a guilty verdict against him for defamation of character, Ed had two orders of protection taken out against him for real things that he did. Ed chased after me with the gun, and nearly stuck a hypodermic needle in my leg while he thought I was asleep. Ed has nearly killed me and it wasn't a joke or prank, it was the real deal.  I have come leaps and bounds from where I was a few years ago as far as healing goes. Back then I was living in denial, I also wondered if I had Stockholm syndrome at least the thought crossed my mind. Eventually, I had to accept what has happened. I not only had to accept it and wrap my brain around it but I have had to do a great deal of work healing from it. That work came in the form of what I call Spellwork and its simply the use of symbolism to rid yourself of whatever the negativity was that happened to you. I find creative ways of handling the feelings that go along with all of this if I didn't find someplace to channel all the negativity I would turn into a bitter shell of a woman and I am not letting that happen.

I can't put into words the level of betrayal that I felt when I was forced to come to the realization of what was being done to me by Ed. I trusted him completely, he lied straight to my face daily and I believed him. He was supposed to be my best friend, my confidant, my husband and my lover. He wasn't supposed to turn on me and do what he did or has done. At the time I found out that what my father had told me was true I was devastated, scared, and alone. Most of the time I tried not to think about what was being done to me and I just handled it by taking vitamin D and vitamin K. The Gas-lighting that has been done has not really stopped it continues as does attempted conditioning of my behavior which will also never work.

When I found stuff damaged or moved I didn't really focus in on it until much later when I looked around and wondered to myself what happened to half my stuff. The reality is, Ed Malik has purposefully and systematically taken away from me anything I cared at all about. Including my daughters and now I have been forced out of my home. No one on this green earth should have that much power and control over another human being irregardless of familial connections. Meaning, a father should not have as much power and control over my life as he does and my ex-husband surely shouldn't.

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